My ex-wife has every single one of these characteristics. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
Yep… there ya go
25 Tuesday Apr 2017
Posted single dad
in25 Tuesday Apr 2017
Posted single dad
inMy ex-wife has every single one of these characteristics. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
25 Tuesday Apr 2017
Posted single dad
inI’m supposed to be negotiable? Let’s see here: Ummm… no. Thank you, but no. I’ll abide by the decree, and that’s it. Period, end of story.
19 Wednesday Apr 2017
Posted single dad
inI made the mistake of looking at my youngest’s grades. 3 A’s, 2 F’s and a D. Just spectacular! I know, why don’t I do anything? Well, bluntly, because my visitation is such that I have my daughter so little now, I don’t have the option to really do homework with her. There is precious little I can do, other than to watch her slowly spiral down into failure. Why, you ask? Simple: I don’t have 15 grand to spend on a parenting evaluation that is a direct result of my ex-wife’s lies in court.
So… for the time being, I have no choice, but to watch, wait and hope.
19 Wednesday Apr 2017
Posted non custodial parent, single dad
inTags
I dare say that the outside (and to a lesser extent, the inside) of my house was a reflection of my state of mind. I am absolutely certain that my neighbors with the truly pristine yard were sincerely hoping that I would be moving out, sooner rather than later. I have been working on my yard consistently on the weekends and during the week as well. As I see actual progress, I find that my mind is clearer, that I am calmer, and that the underlying rage and anger that I felt almost constantly, is gone.
As I write this post, I am sitting on the back porch, and it is actually swept, there is an ashtray for my cigar, the cobwebs are gone, the clutter, the broken down items from the house are no longer there. The weeds that used to mock me with their mere presence are gone. The planters no longer have weeds in them, and are ready for flowers to be put in them.
My relationship with my girlfriend, who was literally days from being completely over, is now better than either of us even thought possible. My relationship with her daughters is dramatically improved. My relationship with my two adult daughters is “back,” and my relationship with my youngest daughter continues to be strong.
So, let’s take a step back here and see if these are permanent changes, or are they temporary. The changes that I’ve made with myself are now going on nearly three months. I am very much at peace with my life, and I realize that quite frankly, I had been allowing a massive amount of rage and anger just fester. In doing so, it was slowly eating me from the inside out, much like an aggressive cancer. I never thought that massive changes in a person’s core personality traits were truly possible. I stand corrected. It is possible, if you truly desire to do so. The key thing you absolutely must do, is identify the root cause of the particular behaviors, and address those. Definitely not an easy thing to do. For me, it is as though I truly “reset” aspects of my life, to a point where my gf is nothing less than astounded with the depth and breadth of the changes that I’ve made.
My dealings with my ex-wife have changed rather dramatically as well. Prior to embarking on a wholesale redefinition of me, whenever my ex would “push my buttons,” I would almost always respond in kind, or if I didn’t, I would stew about it for hours, sometimes even days. More often than not, if I didn’t respond, I would respond the next day with some incredibly caustic response. Just yesterday, she “informed me” that I needed to get our daughter at 3:00 on my visitation day. Since I work in Scottsdale, and am in the midst of a massive project, there is simply no way I could do it. I asked her to please refer to the decree, regarding her being responsible for the care of our daughter while I was at work. She proceeded to unleash a barrage of text messages, saying that I was a jerk and saying that she didn’t know I couldn’t have my visitation again. My response was quite simple: I can have my visitation. I simply cannot have our daughter at 3:00, as I have to work. After sending that response, I didn’t bother responding to anything else that she said. I didn’t get upset. I didn’t brood. I was simply done with the conversation. What I felt, was empowered. I chose to simply not engage; to respond appropriately and directly, and be done. In doing so, I removed ALL of the power I used to give her. It was completely unnecessary to say anything more than what I did, so I didn’t. In doing so, not only did I take my power back, I ended up having a really good evening, one that was relaxing, no anger, no stewing, no brooding. What a dramatic change for me.
For the first time in a very long time, I feel incredibly positive about my life.
14 Friday Apr 2017
Posted non custodial parent, single dad
inI had to have a brief, text based conversation with my fabulous ex-wife last night. She (of course) attempted to bait me into losing my temper or saying something caustic/sarcastic/mean. And… I didn’t. I didn’t bother to engage, simply stuck to the facts, and said “Thank you” at the end of the conversation. I felt amazingly empowered, because her little barbs resulted in exactly none of my past behaviors. Didn’t get my dander up, I simply stayed focused on the issue at hand, ignored the snide remarks and finished the conversation.
I felt absolutely awesome at the end of it. Why? Because I refused to give her even an ounce of power. It felt incredibly good to know, without a doubt, that not providing her my usual responses made it so that I could have an amazing rest of the evening. I didn’t spend even a single second stewing about the conversation. Instead, my gf and I talked about our future plans, and had an absolutely fantastic evening.
What a refreshing change from the past! I have no doubt whatsoever, that there will be more opportunities presented for me to continue forward with my growth and consistent denial of giving her any semblance of power over me, my actions or my words. No, I’m not in any way claiming that we’ll ever have any sort of a meaningful or productive relationship. Quite the contrary. What I am saying, is that there is no context in which she will ever be given power over me again. I will discuss issues related to our daughter, and that’s it.
10 Monday Apr 2017
Posted single dad
inI look at my front yard right now, and I’m a little taken aback. There is currently a large portion of a tree, that used to be attached to the tree, and now isn’t. I did that… I took my “cute” little chainsaw and proceeded to dispatch with prejudice, years and years of extra growth. I have a little left on the one tree, and then I need to get the other one done as well. And the weeds… are slowly but surely disappearing. The tasks on my Kanban board continue to get moved to the “done” pile. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of tasks to get done, and I keep adding to the “backlog,” but there is forward progress.
And that… very clearly matches my personal life. Moving forward. My relationship with my GF has deepened and improved in ways that I never actually thought possible. I’ve taken ownership of my issues, and am working on them every single day. My house is very much a home. My youngest daughter is happy and comfortable. I have let go of a tremendous amount of anger, disappointment and hurt. I have come to realize that forgiveness is not about the other person, it’s about me. About releasing the wrongs that have been done to me, and saying simply “I forgive you.” Perhaps not to the person who did those wrongs, especially if their relationship with you is “that toxic,” but to actually enact that forgiveness. To recognize that it is a required element, in order for me to grow, to flourish, to excel. Enacting forgiveness, truly does mean (for me) that I am choosing not to give the past another thought. I am not going to engage in even giving those memories any more power than I have already given them. I will stay focused and engaged in the here and now.
Having said that, that does not mean, by any means that I do not recognize certain individuals for the narcopaths that they are. However, it does mean, that I will no longer give their past behavior any further power over me. I continue to have certain individuals marked as spam, and I choose not to engage with them. And that for me, is a thing of beauty. I used to allow these individuals to put me down, push my buttons, and at times, I even believed what they were saying. What I have come to realize, is that they were projecting their issues on to me, and due to the basis of my previous relationship with them, I actually would fall into the same behavior as when I was “with them.” Knowing now, that they are who they are at their core is tremendously powerful. It provides a level of transparency in dealing with them that up until now, I’ve never experienced.
Knowledge truly is power!
05 Wednesday Apr 2017
Posted single dad
inI’ve been cleaning house. Yes, literally. I have been chopping down tree sized weeds, using ground clear, renting a chainsaw to help facilitate additional tree-weed chopping, etc. I was going to rent a chainsaw this weekend, and I realized that I could probably purchase a chainsaw for roughly the same price as I could rent one again.
So… I bought a chainsaw. A Black and Decker 10″ chainsaw. As far as chainsaws go, it’s pretty dang puny. For what I actually need a chainsaw for, it is perfect! Just as I have an inexpensive compound miter saw for those times when I need to cut angles in wood (but I don’t need it so often, that I need to spend hundreds of dollars on one), this chainsaw is in fact precisely what I need for what I’m doing — trimming trees, and chopping down tree sized weeds. It’s no Stihl, Husqvarna or Poulan, but it will absolutely do the job I need. In much the same fashion, my compound miter saw is going to be used tomorrow to chop a bunch of 2X4s and 2X6s to make a sturdy platform for a bed.
There are some instances, where power tools just won’t do the job. Take getting rid of the stumps of the “tree weeds.” For that job, I use a pickaxe. My pickaxe is incredibly dull at the moment, so I’ll be purchasing a file to sharpen the blade. Once the blade is sharpened, it will make easy work of the very thick tree-weed stumps.
I think relationships are similar to tools, in that you have to use the right tools for the given situation, and you have to take care of those tools — sharpen them, oil them and clean them. I realized that I had been neglecting my relationship with my girlfriend Laura, and had come very close to just completely terminating it. I realized that I had been doing a stellar job of projecting all of my issues on to her, which was completely unfair (in fact delusional). I’ve since engaged in a major league course correction, and lo and behold, my relationship has improved dramatically! I realized that I do truly love her. What is also interesting, is that as I have been cleaning house, and getting my yard into shape, my level of frustration has dramatically reduced. And it shows… in the way that I interact with my daughter, with my girlfriend, and with her children. My house is now truly a home. I have let go of all of the pent up anger I have toward my ex-wife, and simply said “No, I will no longer give you any power over me.” Yes, she will always be a narcopath. No, I will never be able to coparent with her. That’s OK. I have just slightly more than four years remaining. I can easily get through it, be happy and live life!
03 Monday Apr 2017
Posted bad parenting, single dad
inThe following article from http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/02/26/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-or-dark-triad/ speaks absolute volumes regarding my fantastic ex-wife. What is particularly notable, is the last sentence.
Approach co-parenting with a Malignant Narcissist or a Dark Triad from a completely gray rock perspective. Keep your child’s self-esteem and needs in mind, noting that the Cluster B parent is the person most likely to spend the rest of their natural born life failing them.
Wow… that… is deep. Yes, my ex-wife is a Cluster B (from the DSM) parent. Yes, she is absolutely a classic narcissist, and because of the psychopathic tendencies, she would be classified as a narcopath. This same blog, describes characteristics exhibited by a narcopath in their senior years, and it ain’t pretty.
Expecting increased amounts of the following Narcissistic Abuse tactics is prudent to prepare yourself for the senior crankster’s inevitable descent into moral insanity driven by wave states resembling Collapsed Narcissist thinking is prudent. As a Narcopath ages and relationships chronologically mature, they tend to do more (rather than less) of the following:
- withholding affection or praise for others
- stonewalling
- giving people the silent treatment
- selective hearing
- feigned abuse amnesia
- blame shifting
- avoiding responsibility
- gaslighting
- verbally abusing
- financially abusing
- smear campaigning rivals
- poisoning the well against caretakers
- targeting caregivers for abuse
- scapegoating primary caregivers
- badgering
- hoovering after abusing
- less honeymoon, longer cycles of tension
- raging
- irrationality
- word salad arguments
- triangulating
- blurting
- baiting
- provoking
- name calling
- lacking empathy
- tunnel vision
- magical thinking
- refusal to respect other people’s healthy lifestyle choices or boundaries
- general badmouthing of peers, groups, or institutions (offering no praise or constructive criticism)
- black and white thinking
- overlooking or denying abuse issues
- problem drinking or problem prescription drug use
- refusal to engage in pro-social actions (such as wearing hearing aids and turning them on while keeping them fit with charged batteries)
- refusal to flex with regard to schedule or to accommodate other people’s needs as well as their own
- pathological lying
- claiming false victimization (meaning pretending they are the victim when actually they antagonized or actively abused a target then got mad when they were asked to stop doing it)
- “crying wolf” (meaning faking illness or personal need for physical companionship or assistance when there is no need rather than simply admitting they would like to see or spend time with an adult child they feel is socially or emotionally neglecting them somehow)
- making irrational and illogical demands
- deliberately striving to inconvenience caretakers and loved ones in order to make themselves feel in control, socially powerful, and relevant
The list of abuses likely for any person involved with a Narcopath senior goes on and on, but pick any of the terms above and research them. Even one can make for an unpleasant relationship, noting that givers have to set limits with takers.
Lest I remind my handful of readers, this is the very woman, who went to the ER with “chest pains” so she could deny me my visitation. The same woman who claims that she “might” have cancer. The very same woman, who claims that our daughter prefers not to be at my house, because she is uncomfortable… and freaks out when our daughter actually stands up for me.
Oh… one other thing… “Cluster B” individuals… are considered untreatable.
And this little gem of a quote (yes, I’m an Empath):
Making a fundamental error in judgment, most Empaths and spiritually in tune people who have suffered at the hands of an abusive person has wrestled internally with the decision whether or not to keep trying to make a relationship work with a predator. Hoping to help them transcend the barrier between their grandiose and entitled sense of self, we’ve overlooked and passively (of not actively) enabled predatory people to feast on our pain.
Causing other human beings a proverbial shit-ton of internal angst, physical pain, spiritual anguish, and emotional grief is the hallmark trait of proverbial calling card of a Cluster B person. Whether they are a toxic parent, and unruly child with conduct disorder, a teen with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or a full grown adult with excessive traits of narcissistic couples with a healthy dash of sociopathy or psychopathy, their song remains the same.